


empty

by afropogue



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Comfort/Angst, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, me pmsing and being an emotional rat, pls excuse any typos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26491936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afropogue/pseuds/afropogue
Summary: after the disappearance of john b and sarah, pope finds an unlikely way to cope
Relationships: JJ/Pope (Outer Banks)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW: this contains mentions of disordered eating, skipping meals, allat stuff so if you’re struggling with an ed or recovering from one i suggest you don’t read it if you think it will trigger you. this isn’t intended to offend anyone or glorify eating disorders, trust me i know the pain and struggle from past experience. This isn’t really graphic or anything but i still want to warn anyone who is easily triggered.

It creeps up on him.

John B and Sarah’s disappearance is the catalyst. John B and Sarah Cameron, his friends, had gone out into the dark, cold sea, everyone against their side besides three other people. Three other people who were simply caught in the sidelines, basically accomplices, who could only watch and hope for the best as their two friends barely escaped from the wrath of the entire town.

Then they lost them. His friends were gone, sweeped up by the unrelenting sea. 

The news patently affected the Pogues. That night was a blur but he remembers a lot of parts clearly. He remembers his friends bursting into tears, and he wasn’t ashamed to admit that he shed a few too. How could he not? Two of his friends were most likely dead, and all they could do was mourn. He didn’t even know Sarah that well, but during the limited time she had spent with the Pogues he had grown fond of her and thinks she would’ve been a good permanent addition to their friend group. He wishes they could’ve gotten closer.

Everyone was emotionally impacted by the news of John B and Sarah disappearing into the sea. Even the same officers who had essentially led John B and Sarah into running from the law and into the sea in the first place, wore grimaces of guilt and remorse.

He remembers Kiara crying next to him and JJ oh God JJ, was probably the worst of them all. JJ didn’t usually let his emotions take over him and would typically attempt hard to mask his feelings, minus the other day in the hot tub, but it was kinda hard to do that after hearing your best friend died in what was probably one of the most tragic ways possible.

The whole situation was devastating. 

Worst part was that JJ had no one to come for him. Kiara’s parents had arrived to pick her up, and so did Pope’s parents, but JJ’s deadbeat father was nowhere to be found. Pope didn’t even want to consider that sorry excuse for a human being a father, but Luke Maybank not showing up for his son only further proved how much he truly didn’t care about him. 

Despite his rocky relationship with the boy, Mr. Heyward doesn’t hesitate to pull the blonde into their family hug. Pope is glad JJ doesn’t pull always and deny himself the comfort from another family.

JJ goes home with them that night. Pope’s parents had strongly insisted. Despite Mr. Heyward’s irritation for the boy who always got his son into trouble, he still has compassion for the other boy. He doesn’t know explicit details or if his suspicions are correct, but one thing for sure he could tell was that the boy hadn’t had an easy life under Luke’s care and it clearly showed.

Pope was glad his parents were so persistent on having JJ stay with them for the night. He doesn’t trust JJ being by himself all alone after recent events.

Mrs. Heyward pulls out an extra mattress and places it in Pope’s room for JJ. A part of Pope wishes they didn’t have the extra mattress, so JJ would have to sleep alongside him in his own bed. He doesn’t know why the thought crosses his mind, but he‘s too shaken up and tired from the night to give it much thought.

Pope is facing JJ’s direction in his bed, staring at his back. JJ has back turned towards him, and Pope can only the outline of JJ’s curled up figure, but he thinks he sees slight trembling.

“JJ?” he whispers softly.

JJ doesn’t respond but turns his body until he’s facing Pope.

“You okay?” which he realizes is literally the dumbest question ever right after asking it because are any of them okay after tonight’s events? 

He sees motion from the upper part of JJ’s body so he assumes he’s shaking his head. “No,” JJ whispers back, “You?”

Pope shakes his head as well. “No.” 

Silence passes between them. There’s nothing else to say. Nothing else to say that will change what happened, nothing that will bring back John B and Sarah, and nothing else to spare the boys from the immense feeling of loss and sorrow.

JJ’s body starts trembling again, and he hears sniffles so soft he probably wouldn’t have been able to hear them if he didn’t have such attentive ears and wasn’t paying attention to JJ.

Pope sits up slightly, frowning at JJ who is clearly still wrecked from the night. “JJ...come here.” 

JJ looks up at him. “You mean in your bed? With you?”

He sounds surprised and there’s also something in his shaky tone that Pope can’t quite describe. He pats the side of his bed. “Yes. I-If you want to of course.”

JJ stares at him for a moment and Pope thinks he might decline his offer but then JJ slowly lifts his body up into a sitting position. He reluctantly stands up and Pope rolls over for him to slip in beside him.

The bed isn’t very big, so there isn’t much wiggle room. JJ and Pope are barely a few feet apart.

JJ starts trembling again, and Pope can finally make out shiny tear treks on his cheeks. Pope hesitantly pulls him closer, wrapping his arms around him. He feels JJ physically freeze in his arms at the sudden contact.

Pope thinks he’s made him uncomfortable and is about to let go, when JJ wraps his arms around his waist, hugging him back. He buries his face into Pope’s shoulder and starts to softly cry again. 

Pope simply rubs his hand up and down his friend’s back comfortingly whispering gentle affirmations, encouraging him to _let it all out and _shhhh things will be okay, even though he’s not sure himself that things will actually be okay.__

____

____

__

__

JJ eventually falls asleep first, arms still wrapped around Pope. Pope keeps stroking his back, staring at the vulnerable JJ in his arms. He still looks tense even as he’s sleeping, his eyebrows furrowed and the lines on his forehead creased.

Pope watches the rise and fall of his chest, until the the tiredness of today and tonight’s events catch up to him and he succumbs to slumber.

**

JJ is gone when he awakes.

Pope wakes up to an empty bed. His one shoulder has a damp spot from JJ’s tears, but Pope doesn’t mind. He would let JJ use his whole shirt as a Kleenex tissue if that’s what he needed. He feels disappointed that his friend had left. He was hoping he’d stay for breakfast at least.

 _Breakfast._ The thought of eating any food makes Pope nauseous. 

He wonders if he should text JJ. He doesn’t seem to use his phone much, but surely he’d answer him. He just hopes JJ didn’t go back to his father’s house.

He takes his phone from his bedside table and texts his friend.

**Pope: hey, i saw you left early. are u good?**

JJ replies a few minutes later.

**JJ: Yeah sorry man, I just felt bad taking up space and didn’t want to burden your parents with my presence.**

Pope frowns. JJ could never be a burden. 

**Pope: you know you’re always welcomed here. especially after what happened. you didn’t go back to Luke’s did you?**

**JJ: Nah I’m at John B’s place**

Pope is relieved that JJ isn’t near his father but he still worries for him. Going back to John’s B’s place the day after what happened seemed unhealthy. And wasn’t the chateau closed off for inspection by the police? Knowing JJ he probably broke in.

**Pope: are you...are you good over there?**

**JJ: yeah im fine**

**Pope: well if you need another place to stay, my parents and i would be happy for you to stay with us.**

**JJ: thanks Pope**

**Pope: of course**

Pope has the weird urge to send a heart emoji but he shuts down that idea fast. What if JJ takes it the wrong way and it makes him uncomfortable? 

He obviously skips breakfast that morning and his parents don’t comment. His mother figures he’d have an extremely low appetite after last night.

His father excuses him from work that day. Pope is grateful for that because he doesn’t think he’d be very productive. His mind is too scattered all over the place. The guilt also starts to settle in. He had been to one to give John B very vital information, he’s the one who drove him to confronting Ward at his plane, where not only Sheriff Peterkin got shot but his aforementioned friend got wrongfully framed for it, driving him to venture out into a storm in the first place only for it to take him under.

_What has he done?_

He thinks about his scholarship that isn’t his anymore because he blew his chance. He walked out in the middle of that interview just to share a connection he just had to have thought of in that moment, hopes of finally obtaining the treasure blinding him from reality. It was difficult to get opportunities in general as someone living on the Cut, and he really just blew his chance at a better life only for his friends to die in the end.

_But were they dead?_

Pope had the tiniest bit of hope that somehow-somehow, his friends had survived and made it to land safely. But the storm was inexorable and wild last night and Pope couldn’t be certain. He doesn’t want to hang on to false hope. 

His father heads off to open the shop and his mother leaves as well to do some errands. Before she leaves, she gives him a kiss on the forehead goodbye and reminds him of the lunch she prepared for him in the fridge. Pope barely registers it.

He basically sits in his room all day, doesn’t take a shower until later noon and even then he debates on whether showering is really worth getting up. Then he remembers his t-shirt is partially baked with dried tears and it’s not a great feeling so he musters up the energy to take a shower. 

When he’s finished showering and changing, he goes back to sitting on his bed. He continues to stare at the wall across from him, thoughts still racing through his mind. 

He wonders how Kiara is holding up. They haven’t texted at all today so far, more so because he doesn’t really know what to say. It would be silly to ask her how she’s doing considering the freshness of recent events and it’s obvious they’re all struggling.

They probably need to talk about the kiss at some point, which Pope doesn’t really want to do but knows it’s needed. He’s been regretting kissing Kie ever since he did that one night. He doesn’t understand why because he was so certain he liked her. 

When she rejected him, he felt hurt but deep down he wondered if he actually liked her or just liked the idea of her. He wonders if he had really just wanted to feel something and convinced himself he liked her.

Pope sighs, plopping onto his back and staring at the ceiling. He runs his hands down his face.

He decides to check his phone at some point, wondering what the time is. _4:37 pm._

Wow that much time has really passed? He feels like his staring-into-space sessions only commenced a few minutes ago. 

Pope still hasn’t eaten yet, appetite still greatly suppressed. 

He decides to busy himself with reading his textbook. He blew his chance at a scholarship so he’d have to work extra hard if he wanted to procure a new one anyway, might as well get a head start.

He doesn’t even hear his parents come home. The door to his bedroom opens, and he looks up to see his mother at the doorway.

“Hey honey.”

“Hi mom.”

“How are you feeling?”

 _You guess._ He almost wants to say but this is his mother and she’s just being concerned so he doesn’t want to be rude. “I’m...managing...” he replies stoically.

“Your lunch is still in the fridge, did you not eat today?”

Pope shakes his head. “I’m not hungry ma.”

His mom frowns at him, walking into the room. “You need to eat something, dear. I know things are hard but you must take care of yourself okay?” his mother reprimands, but her tone is only full of concern and worry.

Pope nods. He doesn’t want to worry his mom. “I know ma. My appetite is just really low today.”

His mother caresses his cheek and then kissed his forehead. “Well if you’re hungry your food is still in the fridge and you can heat it up and eat it. Try to eat something before bed, okay?”

“Yes mom.”

She kisses his forehead again before leaving the room. 

He places his textbook back on his desk and slips back into bed. He doesn’t bother to change, unable to muster up enough energy to get up again.

His thoughts wander back to JJ. He hopes the blonde is okay, or at least as okay they can be in this situation. He hopes he’s coping well and is safe. John B’s disappearance probably hit him the most hard, since they’ve been friends for longer than any of the pogues.

He falls asleep early, ignoring the food in the fridge, lying in bed half thinking about the chemistry terms he’s just went over from his textbook and blonde hair with blue eyes.

**

The second time, happens the next day.

John B and Sarah’s...disappearance is still fresh in their minds. He feels uncomfortable using the term death, he knows the two most likely didn’t survive but using the word death just seems so _wrong._

The most frustrating part of the whole situation is that without two bodies, nobody could be 100% sure. Sarah and John B’s bodies could be at the bottom of the sea undetected for god knows how long. It was just easier to assume death had been the outcome, which is what everyone has been doing. Sensibly Pope knows he’s probably in denial, but he wishes their bodies could be found at least for full closure.

His appetite is still pretty low, so food isn’t at the top of his priority. He stays home again, spends the next day pretty much repeating yesterday, just moping around in his bed and occasionally looking at his books.

He texted JJ earlier again to check up on him. JJ hasn’t replied for several hours, which both annoys and worries Pope. 

Breakfast and lunch slip his mind again. 

By dinner his mother comes into his room with an aluminum foil covered plate of food.

“Dear your food from yesterday was still in the fridge. You need to eat, you need some food in your system. You’re a growing boy.” she says, placing the food right next to him on his bed and glass of water on his bedside table before leaving. He typically isn’t allowed to eat in his room but his mother allows him to this time. He’s glad because he doesn’t possess the stamina to venture all the way downstairs just to eat some food he doesn’t even physically desire.

His mother leaves, and he looks over at the food. It’s a plate of rice with vegetables and fish.

His stomach grumbles at the sight, but not from hunger. His stomach churns at the thought of consuming anything. 

He does realize how dry his throat is. He really needs to pay attention to his water intake. He’s been in the sea water so long he forgets that he needs to drink actual water so he doesn’t, you know, _die._

He takes the glass of water and gulps it down. He didn’t realize how thirsty he was. 

He ignores the plate of food until he deems it’s time for him to go to sleep. He stands up to place the untouched plate on his desk. He lethargically changes into some clean sleepwear before slipping into bed, stomach empty but brain still full with thoughts. 

**

It’s the third day after the incident, and Pope surprisingly feels a little less dead inside but still lost and numb. 

It’s been three days since he last ate, and his hunger is still absent but he knows he has still has to eat at some point so he- _again_ -doesn’t, you know, _die._. He stabs his fork into his dinner, pasta, and puts it in his mouth. 

He takes two bites of the spaghetti, slowly chewing it. His body is suddenly not empty anymore as his body fills with carbs, oil, and marinara sauce.

He is immediately overwhelmed by discomfort. He pushes the plate to the other side of his desk. He can feel the food sloshing in his stomach, and it’s an unpleasant feeling. He’s never paid this much attention to how he feels when he eats, he usually just gobbles down whatever tastes good without a second thought. 

Maybe it was because he’s been feeling so empty and desensitized lately that the sudden entrance of actual food in his system shocks him. He doesn’t think much of it and goes about his day.

**

It becomes a regular thing.

He skips meals and at first they were just accidents because he was too caught up in his thoughts to eat. Then he starts to find the emptiness strangely comforting. The thought of eating food doesn’t appeal to him at all. He finds he quite likes that hollow feeling in his stomach. 

John B and Sarah’s...disappearance still weigh heavy on him, but he realizes there isn’t much he can do about it except to keep pushing through every day and hoping life gets a little easier. 

It’s been a week since he’s contacted his friends. He texted once with Kiara the first week after the incident, but the conversation was so dry and forced and it was obvious that both of them weren’t into the conversation and needed more time. 

He’s barely left his room let alone his house, but he does still miss his friends. He wonders if he should keep giving them space. Especially JJ.

_God he misses JJ._

After a week of radio silence from his friends, he finally gets a text from Kiara. 

**Kie: hey, can we talk?**

Pope blinks at the text surprisingly. No doubt she wants to talk about them. Whatever _them_ is, he’s not really sure at this point.

**Pope: yeah of course. do you wanna meet up somewhere?**

**Kie: yeah if you don’t mind, i feel like we need to have this convo in person**

Yeah there was no doubt that she wanted to talk about _them._

**Pope: yeah, yeah of course, where do you wanna meet?**

**Kie: our regular spot at the beach, if that’s okay. meet me there at 3:00.**

**Pope: ill see you later then**

His mother is delighted when he tells her he’s going out for the first time in over a week. She only tells him to be safe before letting him go. 

He takes his old bike from the shed and hops on it. He hasn’t used his bike much that summer, since John B’s van was the pogue’s main source of transportation, so the bike is a little rusty but it works fine so he doesn’t complain.

His stomach grumbles while he rides but he ignores it.

Kiara is standing at their spot, arms hugging herself as she kicks some sand. Pope slowly jogs toward her after parking his bike. “Hi.” he greets her.

She looks up at him with a tight lipped smile. It’s evidently forced. “Hey.”

“What did you wanna talk about?” he asks nonchalantly, _as if he doesn’t know._

Kiara wraps her arms around herself. She is silent for a moment, opening her mouth as if she wants to say something but nothing comes out. She averts her eyes to the side before looking back at Pope again. 

“I...I think we shouldn’t continue...this.”

“This?” Pope asks playing dumb.

“Our relationship or...whatever it is. After that kiss I’m not really sure where we stand but I don’t think a relationship is a good idea right now.” 

Pope nods. “I understand. Things have been hard after...” he trails off.

Kiara nods rapidly. “Yeah I know,” she looks down at the sand beneath their feet. She seems more nervous than he is, which is surprising because he’s usually the most timorous one out of their whole friend group.

“A relationship wouldn’t be wise right now,” Pope continues and there’s an unspoken _between us_ that sounds fitting but for some reason Pope doesn’t vocalize.

“Are you sure you’re okay with that?” Kiara asks hesitantly. Pope can’t really blame her, he didn’t have the best reaction the first time she rejected him.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

Kiara’s narrows her eyebrows at him in confusion. “I mean....” she clears her throat. “Nevermind. It’s nothing.”

Pope sighs. “I know I didn’t react in the best way the first time you rejected me but I do think this is the best option for us. H-honestly I’m not really sure my feelings for you are...veritable.” And it’s true, he’s had a whole week to think about them. Sure he missed Kie, but he didn’t miss her in a romantic-longing way. He realizes he missed her more as a friend as opposed to how one would miss someone they had romantic feelings for.

But _JJ. _His heart ached every time he thought about JJ. He still regrets not waking up before JJ that morning. He would’ve tried to convince JJ to stay with them, and even if JJ still left he would still feel better knowing he tried.__

____

____

Pope consistently worried about JJ’s physical and mental being, which is ironic considering he’s been paying significantly less attention to his own physical and mental state the past couple days.

He thinks he can compare the feeling of missing JJ to going to school and having your whole mood deplete for the rest of the day after finding out your crush is absent. Except in this case they’re absent for almost two weeks, and he’s not sure about the ‘crush’ part but if he was really being honest with himself, that part sounded a little fitting too.

Kiara looks surprised at his reply. She looks down again. “You mean you aren’t sure if you have feelings for me?”

Pope reluctantly nods and woah the sand looks so fascinating all of a sudden. He hopes she doesn’t think he was leading her on, that’s the last thing he ever intended.

“I’m not mad,” Kiara quickly clarifies, “I just...I don’t think I like you like that either.” 

_Oh._ Pope should feel the sharp pain of rejection, he should feel sad and distraught that the girl he supposedly likes doesn’t like him back.

He doesn’t.

He feels fine. Also a little hungry but that doesn’t matter.

Pope lets out small “oh.” Another wave of silence passes between them. 

Kie breaks the silence. “So we’re good?”

Pope nods. “Yeah we’re good.”

A slow smirk emerges on Kie’s face. “Good. I missed you.”

Pope returns her smile. “I missed you too. How have you been holding up with everything?”

“It’s still hard. I miss them a lot,” Pope hums in agreement, “But we can’t really do anything about it right? I’ve just been...hanging in there. Trying not to rely on the hope that they might be out there somewhere alive.” she says softly.

Pope nods again. He can relate. “Yeah...”

“How have you been?”

“Pretty much the same as you.” He chuckles weakly.

He doesn’t expect her to suddenly throw herself at him, wrapping her arms around him. Pope freezes from the sudden contact, but slowly wraps his arms around her too.

“I’m sorry I didn’t contact you guys for so long. I’ve been taking more shifts at the Wreck to busy myself. I can’t avoid you guys for so long and I don’t want to.” she says penitently, guilt in her voice.

Pope rubs her back assuringly. “It’s okay, I get it.”

When she pulls away he notices the mild tears that have escaped her eyes. 

He gives her an empathetic look. He wishes he could’ve snapped out of his slump and contacted her again days earlier. But all that matters is that they had their conversation at all. Better late than never. 

She quickly wipes her tears, laughing wetly. “Wow I look a mess,” she checks her phone, “Speaking of The Wreck I got a shift soon. I’ll catch you later?” 

Pope nods, mood lifted from their conversation. “Yeah...see you Kie.” 

She gives him one last smile before walking past him to leave. Pope suddenly thinks of something and asks just as she’s about to completely pass by him, “Have you heard from JJ?”

Kiara pauses. She shakes her head sadly. “...No I haven’t. Sorry.” she gives him another sad smile before walking away, leaving him with his thoughts.

Now he was even more concerned about his blonde friend. _Where was JJ? What was he up to?_

**

It’s addicting.

He likes the control. He has the choice to eat consistently, or to skip a few meals and obtain that lovely empty feeling in his stomach.

He can’t control what happened to John B and Sarah, he can’t control the state of his scholarship, he can’t control JJ’s whereabouts and activities, but he can control his intake.

He feels lighter than he ever has before. _Who knew food of all things was weighing him down so much?_

It’s not exactly healthy, what he’s doing, but it makes him feel something. The feeling of virtually nothing in his stomach grants him with a stable sense of accomplishment, something he hasn’t felt in a while. It’s almost like a test for himself. A test on his willpower and how far he can endure the hunger until it gets too much, until he has to replenish himself with a little something just so his body doesn’t eat itself.

Plus it wouldn’t hurt to lose some weight. His body isn’t bad, he isn’t really concerned about its appaearance. But before John B and Sarah’s disappearance, he did have a little problem with overindulging. The pressure of his scholarship, the hunt for the gold, and just the overwhelming feeling of not being good enough for anyone led him to stress eat often. He looked more or less the same even with the extra calories in his system, but he could still afford to lose a couple pounds anyway right? 

The only meal he really eats is dinner, since it’s the one meal he can’t get out of as easily as the other ones.

He slightly grimaces at the plate of rice, fish and vegetables in front of him. It’s a staple meal in the Heyward household. His stomach grumbles a bit. Despite his body’s apparent inclination for food, he still has no desire to eat it. Even when his body wants food, his mind is almost repulsed by it.

But he’s sitting at the table with his parents, which he’s started doing again to appease them, and it would be rude and suspicious not to eat.

His parents make conversation while he takes small bites of his food, internally cringing at the addition of food piling in his stomach. He tastes the food, the flavors, the texture, but it all feels wrong. It doesn’t taste the same as usual, it doesn’t fill him with the satisfaction of eating a usually tasty meal. 

His discomfort is probably obvious, as his father asks, “Son you alright?”

Pope gulps down another bite of food and puts on what is probably the most forced smile ever. “Yeah I’m fine.”

His father is looking at him, eyebrows furrowed in concern. “You look like you’re in pain.”

 _Guess he wasn’t as inconspicuous as he thought._ “Oh u-uh no I’m fine. Just not that hungry.” 

His mother frowns. “Are you sure you aren’t in pain? I could get you some advil, or maybe you need a warm bath-“

“N-no I’m fine I promise.” He assures his parents. His mother looks like she’s about to say something else when he quickly asks, “Can I cover this up? I’ll probably finish it up later.”

His parents still look a little concerned but they nod. “Yes you can cover it up.”

Pope stands from his chair and heads to the counter. He wraps his food with the aluminum foil and places it in the fridge. He turns in his parents direction. “I’m getting kinda tired so I’m gonna go to bed.”

His parents allow him to leave and he says his goodnights before heading to his room. He closes his door and slides down it, feeling the weight of the food he ate weigh in his stomach. He only ate half the plate but it feels like he downed five whole bowls.

His hands go to his stomach. He looks down at his stomach. His stomach looks a little bigger, as if he has a small baby bump.

For some strange reason he feels his heart rate pick up and his nerves increase. He doesn’t know why he feels so anxious he literally just ate. He was just bloated right?

_Right?_

He feels deep regret choosing to eat with his parents. He wraps his arms around his stomach protectively, unsure of what to do. _What was happening to him?_

**

It’s a little too easy.

His parents are too busy and occupied to notice or fret over him and his eating habits, which a part of him is giddy about for some reason.

He decides to stop lazing around and tells his father he’s ready to help out at the shop. His father readily lets him, glad he’s feeling better enough to start working again. Says working will help get his mind off of what happened.

Pope doesn’t tell him that the main reason he wants to work again is because he’s started feeling overwhelmed being home alone with all the food in the house and being surrounded by fish would not only keep him distracted but would keep his appetite low. 

**

Almost a week after his meet up with Kie, JJ turns up at his house, bloody and bruised.

Pope is glad his parents aren’t home and he’s the one to open the door and find the blonde hunched over clutching his side. He looks up and Pope‘s eyes widen at his state. He looks like just got beat up. Badly.

Pope gasps, hand coming up to his mouth. “JJ what the hell?”

“Popeee heyy wassup?” he drawls. Blood is caked on the corner of his mouth, and there’s a patent line of dried blood drawing down from his nose. His whole face looks worse for wear, and Pope feels a strong sense of hatred for whoever did this to him. He could probably bet money on the person who did this to him.

“Dude...” Pope starts, still in shock at not only seeing JJ for the first time in almost three weeks but seeing him all bloodied and hurt at his doorstep. He quickly goes over to wrap his arm around JJ’s back, holding up most of his weight. He pulls them both through the door.

It isn’t really a wise idea, mainly because he hasn’t been eating properly and it’s been gradually affecting his strength, as much as he doesn’t want to admit it. He still manages to carry JJ all the way to his room. He drops him as gently as he can on his bed.

“I’ll be back.” He says, rushing out of the room and heading to the bathroom. He opens the bottom cabinet, taking out the first aid supplies they keep in there. 

He carries the supplies to his room. JJ is still sitting in the same position, slightly hunched over and grabbing at his side, eyes squeezed shut. 

He seems to be in a lot of pain, and Pope’s heart clenches at the sight. He hurries inside and kneels down in front of JJ, placing the first aid supplies beside him. 

He barely speaks as he gets to work, wasting no time tending to JJ’s wounds. He dabs at one of his wounds with alcohol, flinching at the hiss JJ emits at the sensation.

After a couple minutes of silence and Pope cleaning up JJ’s wounds as best as he can, he decides to mention the elephant in the room.

“What the hell happened JJ? Who did this?” 

JJ shoots him a humorless smile. “Who do you think?”

Luke. God he wanted to kill that bastard, how dare he incessantly lay a hand on his own son, on sweet, caring, lovable, funny, JJ of all people? 

“Luke did this?” He asks. JJ nods, averting his eyes away from Pope’s.

“Why did you go back?”

JJ shrugs lazily and Pope gives him a stern look. “JJ.” he says firmly as if he’s a parent scolding his child.

JJ sighs. “Went back to get some more clothes. Luke was asleep so I went upstairs to pack some shit. Thought I could sneak past him,” JJ pats the grey duffel bag next to him, which he didn’t notice JJ carrying before, “When I finished packing and turned to leave, guess who was standing right there,” JJ lets out a humorless chuckle, “Yeah...wasn’t too happy to see me. Mostly due to the fact that his boat was missing thanks to me, but I think he still would’ve shackled me up just as bad even if it wasn’t. He does love a good beating.”

JJ explains as if they’re talking about the weather and Pope shudders, remembering that JJ was used to this. He was probably so desensitized to being beat that explaining didn’t phase him as much. 

But Pope can still see how hurt the blonde is. The beatings might get easier to endure, but Pope can’t imagine how much it taxes on JJ’s mental health.

Pope wraps a bandage around JJ’s side wound he was clutching in pain earlier. JJ reluctantly releases it and allows Pope to wrap the bandage around him. 

Pope pointedly ignores their close proximity and the way his heart speeds up slightly at their close contact. He feels JJ’s eyes on him, but he doesn’t trust himself to reciprocate and look into his eyes.

“You know, you look kinda different.” JJ comments, cocking his head.

Pope’s panics a little at that. He isn’t stupid, his strange eating behaviors are probably going to show on his body at some point but he didn’t think it would happen so quickly, let alone on his face. Personally, he hasn’t really seen a difference.

He doesn’t look at JJ and keeps on wrapping the wound. “You must’ve been beaten up pretty bad, your vision is probably a little fuzzy.“

Once he finishes bandaging JJ’s wound, he starts to clean the cuts on the rest of his body. He goes back into the bathroom and brings back a wet washcloth and a bowl of water, which he had wetted and gently drained the washcloth in.

It’s harder to ignore JJ’s eyes on him as he dabs at the cut on his cheek with the washcloth. He doesn’t know why JJ is staring at him but he guesses his options of things to look at are pretty limited so Pope assumes he’s just staring at him because he’s in his central vision.

Eventually he can’t take it anymore and risks a glance into JJ’s eyes, finding them looking straight at him. 

Pope pauses in the middle of dabbing JJ’s cheek wound as their eyes stay locked on each other for what feels like hours. _Have his eyes always been so blue oh my-_

JJ abruptly clears his throat and looks away, ending the moment.

Pope doesn’t know what that moment was or what it meant but he’s going to spare them both the awkwardness of mentioning it out loud, so he silently continues tending to JJ’s cuts and bruises. He’s grateful for his dark skin because he’s pretty sure otherwise his blush would be evident.

“Where have you been?” Pope asks instead. 

“I been mostly hanging at John B’s place and sometimes down at the beach.”

“Why haven’t you answered my texts?” Pope asks and the hurt he feels leaks into his voice.

JJ’s expression twists into a guilty one, “I-I didn’t mean to ignore your texts. My phone died and I couldn’t exactly go back and get my charger from my dad’s. I was planning on grabbing a charger from my dad’s house and texting you back once I got home and my phone charged but....” JJ gestures to his face, “You know...”

Pope nods, feeling a little less angry at the blonde for ignoring him. Pope is no lie detector but he believes JJ is telling him the truth and that he actually feels bad for leaving him in radio silence for so long.

“I wish you would’ve stayed.” Pope mumbles, not really intending for the other to hear him.

“Hmm?”

“Nothing,” JJ gives him a strange look at his reply but doesn’t comment. 

“You’ll need to lay low for at least a couple of days for your wounds to heal properly.” Pope explains, almost finished cleaning up JJ’s face cuts. “You can sleep in here again. I’ll get the mattress.”

“Oh okay, I’ll be outta your hair after tonight-“

Not again. “So you’re just gonna stay the night and leave again?” Pope snaps. JJ winces at his tone.

“I told you I don’t want to be a burde-“

“How many times do I have to tell you my family doesn’t mind! You don’t have to leave. Just stay here with us.” With me.

“But John B’s house-“

“What you’re gonna sit in that sad little shack, a reminder of what we’ve lost? Just more pain and memories to stare at? And how have you not been kicked out yet, that place is still under investigation right? Surely you couldn’t have stayed there every night-“ Pope stops. He realizes something. “This wasn’t the first time you went back to your dad’s isn’t it.”

JJ‘s expression is mixed with shame and guilt, and Pope doesn’t even have the heart to be completely mad at him. JJ turns his head to the side, eyes squeezed shut and his body subtly trembling, as if he’s resisting the urge to cry.

Pope lifts his hand up to JJ’s cheek, gingerly turning it until he’s facing him again. JJ’s eyes are still closed shut.

“JJ,” he says softly. JJ opens his eyes, staring straight into Pope’s. His alluring blue eyes are glossed with unshed tears. Pope immediately pulls JJ in to his chest. He squeezes him tighter once he feels JJ acquiesce his emotions and lets his body shake with sobs, head tucked in Pope’s shoulder again.

“Sleep with me tonight.” Pope’s eyes widen as soon as he says it, noticing the suggestive implication of those words. And so does JJ, judging by his immediate blush. “I-I-I mean on my bed obviously. Together. Side by side. On the bed. Sleeping.”

 _As if he couldn’t get any more awkward._ Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

JJ surprisingly doesn’t protest and simply nods, sniffling.

“Can I change first? Don’t wanna stain your bed with my bloodied clothes.”

“Oh yeah of course. Do you um...” Pope‘s face burns up, “Do you need help?”

JJ shakes his head. “Nah I’m alright. I’m not completely useless, my old man didn’t beat me up that bad.” JJ smirks at him. Pope huffs out a laugh, typical JJ attempting to light up the mood as usual.

Pope cleans up the first aid materials and the bowl of water and heads to the bathroom to give JJ privacy. When he arrives back at his room, JJ is pulling down a different shirt, and Pope gets a peak of the skin of the lower half of his chest. Even with the bandage taking up most of his middle, Pope still flushes at the sight.

Pope shakes his head to clear his head of any impending inappropriate thoughts. He walks over to his bed and plops down on it

“You sure I shouldn’t sleep on the extra mattress again?” JJ asks reluctantly.

“No I don’t mind us sleeping together,” Pope winces because, _again, word choice,_ “In the same bed I mean!”

JJ just chuckles, slipping in next to Pope. It’s around late evening, and Pope’s parents are out, so they’re alone in the house. They aren’t really tired yet so they just lounge on the bed, talking. JJ is sitting up, leaning against the wall on the bed since his injuries are still a bit sensitive, and Pope sits beside him in the same position. 

Pope asks if he’s hungry, mostly out of concern and courtesy but also partially because a twisted part of him wants an excuse to give JJ his leftovers from dinner so he doesn’t have to guiltily scrape them into the trash, a bad habit he’s picked up. Kiara would kill him if she knew, she hates waste of any kind.

JJ declines, possessing little appetite due to his pain. It has decreased a bit since Pope cleaned up his injuries, but it’s still there. Pope just wants to soak up all his pain- _his physical and mental pain-because JJ never seems to catch a break when it comes to both._

Eventually they both get tired and lie down properly on the bed. Pope falls asleep faster than he has ever since the night of John B and Sarah’s disappearance, coincidentally the last time he’s slept in the same bed as JJ. The warm heat radiating from the boy next to him lulls him into a dreamless sleep.

**

Slowly, things improve between the Pogues. 

Pope, JJ, and Kiara start hanging out again. It’s a little weird without John B and they even feel Sarah’s absence heavily, not realizing before how much she had assimilated into their group.

But they’re the Pogue’s and they learn to adapt. They still have each other, and that’s what matters the most.

They realize John B and Sarah wouldn’t want them to spend their time moping over them. It doesn’t stop them from missing their two friends, but life has to go on with or without them.

Pope gets to spend a lot of time with JJ especially, since he is technically now his new roommate. Pope’s parents were surprisingly fine with JJ staying with them. Pope knows he said his parents wouldn’t mind but to be honest he wasn’t actually quite sure they would allow JJ to do so (maybe he just wanted JJ to be more inclined to accept his offer, even if he hadn’t consulted his parents first) and there was a possibility that they only let JJ come home with them the night of the storm because everyone was emotional and only one the most contemptible heart would let JJ stay alone with his grief.

But they welcome JJ into their home, putting past any preconceptions about the blonde boy. And he easily assimilates into their home as well. At first he was hesitant and closed off around the Heyward’s, but ultimately he starts to act more like himself. Just-of course-a little less mischievous and loud around Pope’s parents than he is with the Pogues.

JJ helps out around the house and even offers to work for Mr. Heyward. Pope’s dad is happy with having another hand on the job and Pope is delighted he gets to work with his best friend.

**

One day, the Pogues are hanging out at their usual spot at the beach. JJ and Kiara are out on the water, surfing, while Pope watches. He told them he wasn’t in the mood to surf so he just sits at their usual spot on the beach, the spot where they usually all gather after a surf sesh to drink, eat and talk until it’s time for them to leave.

He watches JJ and Kiara on the water, the two looking like naturals as always. He would love to join them, but he just feels _so weak today._

And yes, he’s been consistently having additional moments of fatigue and random moments of pain. Temporary but undeviating headaches, slight dizziness, and feeling weirdly cold when it’s barely dipped under 70 degrees. He’s so oddly chilly that he’s even wearing one of his long sleeved shirts today, which isn’t doing much but it would be a little weird to wear a full on hoodie out in the sun so it’ll do. 

The most probable cause of all these strange symptoms is his lack of eating, but he’s so hooked on that empty feeling and lightness in his body that he can’t help but think _maybe it’s worth it._ Surely these symptoms couldn’t be worse than those moments when he allows himself to eat something and his stomach fills up uncomfortably, a reminder of the temporary loss of control he releases when he relents and eats when he knows he could’ve gone longer without it. The weird physical symptoms were simply a minuscule issue that could be endured. And besides he could totally just eat if he really wanted to.

_Right? Yeah...yeah....._

His stomach grumbles and he takes another long sip of water from his bottle. Water has been his best friend lately, it helps keep down his stomach’s unwarranted noises of hunger, tricking his body into thinking he’s putting something substantial into his stomach. The only downside is he knows he’s gonna have to use the restroom soon. 

He sees JJ and Kiara depart from the ocean, engaged in conversation as they amble toward Pope’s direction, surfboards tucked under their arms.

Pope uses the opportunity to check out JJ-another habit he’s picked up.

He admires his defined chest, marred with faint scars he can’t see from this far but knows are there, including his side injury from the day he showed up at Pope’s doorstep after being knocked up badly by Luke-which has been healing pretty well- and his heartbeat intestifies a little more at the sight of JJ’s now damp salt-water ridden hair, watching it flop around accordingly to his head movements.

Seriously, he’s not sure where all these not so platonic feelings for JJ are coming from-because he’s pretty sure that’s what the weird fluttery sensation he acquires when he’s simply in JJ’s presence is-but he reasons they’ve been there for a while and have just become more apparent to him, because they seem so _natural._ He and JJ have some sort of bond he doesn’t quite understand but him having feelings for the blonde doesn’t surprise him as much as he thought it would. It also makes sense as to why he’s not as into Kiara as he convinced himself he was. Another pogue has his attention.

“I am so famished!” JJ announces as they arrive in front of Pope.

Kiara grins. “New vocab word? I’m proud of you.”

JJ scoffs, putting his board down near Pope. “Excuse you my vocabulary is always on point.”

“Do you even know what famished means?”

“Yes,” JJ states a matter-of-factly, heading toward the cooler on Pope’s side that said boy was pointedly sitting far away from, “I saw it in Pope’s textbook once.”

Kiara rolls her eyes but it’s fond and she has a smile on her face. 

Pope smiles at them fondly as well, glad that they’re all back to their joking and bantering selves.

His bladder eventually becomes too uncomfortable to sustain. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom you guys. I’ll be right back.” His friends nod and he leaves.

**

Kiara watches him leave, curious expression on her face.

“Does he seem different to you?”

JJ pops open a can of beer from the cooler. “What do you mean?”

Kiara purses her lips, looking away from the direction Pope had left in. “He seems...I dunno...weaker I guess? He‘s just been acting weird.”

“Pope is always weird,” JJ huffs out a laugh, taking a sip of his beer, but thinks about Kiara’s words.

Pope has been acting a little strange lately, but JJ didn’t really think anything of it. JJ assumes he’s still coming to terms with everything they’ve lost, even if they have all been doing considerably better as the weeks pass by. 

“Yeah but weirder than usual.” she clarifies pensively, her voice full of concern. JJ can tell she’s seriously worried about Pope, which starts to make him worry too because sure they all worry and care about one another but they rarely worry about Pope because _Pope is Pope_ and he’s always self-assured and composed and is the most practical one in the group. Their worry for him is usually a joking-worry for the questionable but well-meaning things he would say.

JJ gazes at the ground thoughtfully. Pope has been more...withdrawn lately. He’s always been the quietest one out of all of them but he’s been less talkative than usual. And there’s something about his face. Pope is still as handsome as ever- _only one of all his best qualities-_ but there is something off about his face, like it’s... _sunken,_ for lack of a better term.

“He looks like he’s lost some weight. Is he eating?”

“Yeah of course he’s-“ JJ stops. _Has he been eating?_ Now that he thinks about it, Pope has declined food a lot, claiming he has a low appetite. Maybe he’s sick? 

He glances at Kiara, who raises her eyebrows and shrugs pointedly at him, prompting him to continue.

“Yeah he’s...eating. Not a lot though, but I just figured it’s stress or something. He could be sick and doesn’t want to worry us?” he suggests a little uncertainly, because now that he thought about it, Pope _was_ acting stranger than usual but he couldn’t pinpoint an exact reason as to why? Surely Pope would tell them if he was sick or if something was bothering him right?

Kiara looks at him with just as much uncertainty. She notices Pope’s form walking towards them and she glances at JJ. “We should keep an eye on him.”

JJ nods fervently. He was already planning on doing do that. Yeah he’s been looking at Pope a lot for _different reasons, but now with appending concern for his friend, he was going to watch him a little more closely._

__

__

Pope smiles at them and plops down in his seat. JJ sits down next to him. His skin briefly brushes against Pope’s, and typically it would just make him blush from the contact (he still does) but he can’t help but note Pope feels oddly...cold? 

He and Kie share a subtle look. _Something is definitely up with Pope._

**

JJ doesn’t know how he hasn’t noticed before. 

For someone who spends a lot of time looking at Pope, the boy he lov-has deep feelings for, he somehow hadn’t noticed his weird behavior. 

For one, Pope has stopped wearing short sleeved shirts.

It shouldn’t be a big deal, because the Outer Banks weather can be inconsistent and some nights are less torrid than others. But Pope starts wearing his thicker crewneck sweatshirts every day, the ones he usually sees him wearing during the school year in the colder seasons. He’s caught Pope shivering a few times when JJ himself is feeling awfully warm while they’re in the same room.

He also notices that Pope never eats.

Well not never, because Pope does eat, but _barely._

JJ feels stupid, honestly, for not realizing sooner. He notices how Pope is always trying to distract himself, probably from eating, either with his studying, or offering to work extra for his dad

He sees a consistent pattern in Pope’s eating. Or _lack of_ eating, to be exact.

He skips breakfast, which isn’t too abnormal because many people skip breakfast. But on top of that he also skips lunch, and doesn’t snack at all (like who doesn’t snack at least once a day?). He also only really eats dinner, but even then he doesn’t eat it every day, often laying out excuses to get out of eating or wrapping it up to never be touched again.

He’s no health professional but even he can tell that Pope’s eating patterns aren’t healthy, and it’s taking a toll on his body. The brightness of his beautiful brown eyes slowly diminish along with the fullness of his face as he loses more weight. 

His smile is more forced nowadays, lacking its usual life and mirth.

Pope doesn’t mention it at all. JJ has strong suspicions that he doesn’t want anyone to know about what he’s doing.

 _But why?_ Why would he starve himself on purpose? Pope was already hot and fit, how could he not see that? Even if he wasn’t, JJ would still adore him. His good looks are only a small part of why JJ has strong feelings for him.

It’s like, what, the 4th or 5th time Pope declines an offer of lunch at The Wreck with him and Kie, when JJ decides to say something. 

“Hey Pope?”

“Yes JJ?”

“You know you can always talk to me right?”

Pope, who is sitting at his desk writing something, freezes. “Huh?”

“I said you can always talk to me. I feel like something is bothering you but I don’t want to prod. Just know that I’m always here for you if you need to talk or whatever.” JJ says, scratching his neck sheepishly. Gotta add that _whatever_ in there, can’t sound too cheesy.

Pope doesn’t turn around for a couple seconds, body still in his seat. JJ wonders if he’s mad at him until Pope spares him a fleeting glance without turning his chair and replies sincerely, “Thank you JJ. I’m fine but thanks for your concern.”

“Are you sure?”

Pope turns his head farther to face him. He puts on a smile and nods. “Yes JJ I’m fine.”

Perhaps a week ago JJ would’ve took his word for it and let the matter go. But now...he isn’t so sure. He isn’t so sure Pope is as fine as he says he is.

“Why don’t you want to come with Kie and I to the Wreck? It’s free food man!”

Pope shakes his head. “Not hungry.”

_You’re never hungry._

“What?”

JJ blinks, realizing he said that out loud. “Oh uh nothing. Just said I’m pretty hungry. I’ll bring back leftovers for you again, okay?”

“I would prefer you not to but I know you will anyway so okay.”

JJ grins. He finds the leftovers gone every time he brings them for him, so he’s glad Pope eats that at least.

**

JJ is outside on the phone with Kie, telling her about Pope’s weird behavior and lack of eating.

“If he was sick you’d think he’d tell me, yaknow? I don’t know what’s wrong with him, he insists he’s fine but I know something is wrong.”

Kiara is silent for a moment. JJ wonders what she’s thinking. “That...I think Pope might have an eating disorder.”

 _An eating disorder?_ “You mean like anorexia or something?” JJ asks. 

“Yeah. I mean, there are different types of eating disorders but anorexia seems most fitting. Is he purging?”

“What?”

“Like throwing up his food on purpose.”

JJ may be oblivious sometimes but he definitely would notice if Pope was throwing up, or at least smelled like vomit. Despite Pope being extra distant lately, he’s still near him almost all the time.

“No he’s not.”

“I learned about eating disorders in psychology class during freshman year. Did some research myself, because I was curious. I always knew they were dangerous, but there was a lot I didn’t know plus eating disorders are one of the most stereotyped disorders out there. They’re so sneaky you usually can’t physically tell if someone has one unless it’s super obvious, like extreme weight loss or they’re on the edge of fainting from malnutrition. A girl in my class got hospitalized for bulimia that year. She hasn’t been back since.”

JJ gulps. _Hospitalized?_ Surely Pope’s case wasn’t that severe. At least he hopes it never reaches that point. “Anyway I think Pope might have Anorexia or OSFED.”

“What the hell is OSFED?”

“Stands for ‘Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder,” she replies, “Basically an eating disorder that doesn’t meet the criteria for specific disorders such as anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder.”

JJ is stunned. He doesn’t really know what to say. _Eating disorder and Pope_ are words he never would have thought he’d hear in the same sentence. He isn’t fully educated on mental illnesses in general, only knowing the basic concepts of specific ones. Though he ought to learn more about it since his own mental health is _definitely_ all over the place. He always thought eating disorders were a kook thing, a phenomenon of rich girls with daddy issues who starve themselves or make themselves puke their food for validation and attention.

“JJ?”

JJ realizes he hasn’t spoken for a few moments. “Uh yeah sorry, just thinking. You really think he could have an eating disorder?”

“What else could it be? Like you said, if he was chronically sick he’d tell us right? Why would you hide that? And it seems like he’s trying to hide his behaviors so that’s also a big warning flag,” Kiara states, worry seeping into her tone, “You should confront him about it, this could be serious. Or I could talk to him if you want?”

“Nah I’ll talk to him.” Kiara is probably better fit and seems more informed on the topic of eating disorders than he is, but he still feels like he should talk to Pope. He wants to help him if he really _does_ have an eating disorder.

“Okay, please do. Eating disorders are no joke man. Call me if you have questions or anything.” 

“Yeah of course. Thanks Kie.”

“No problem. See you.”

“Bye Kie.”

He hangs up the phone. He didn’t think his concern for Pope could grow any larger than it has already but it does. He starts pacing in the front of Pope’s home, _thinking, thinking, thinking._

“JJ? What are you doing out here?”

JJ head snaps up to see Pope peeking out from the door. “Nothing. I was just on the phone with Kie.”

“Why?”

“She needed help with something.”

Pope quirks an eyebrow. “Why would she ask you?”

JJ scoffs, pocketing his phone in his cargo shorts pocket before heading over the door. “Are you calling me dumb?”

“Never said that.”

“You implied it.” JJ says teasingly tossing an arm around his friend as he leads them back inside, the conversation with Kie still in the back of his mind.


	2. Chapter 2

Pope half regrets insisting on JJ staying with his family. 

Don’t get him wrong, he’s happy he gets to see his friend again, having JJ stay at his house is what he‘s wanted ever since that night of the storm. He even feels like he and JJ have gotten closer during his stay in the Heyward household. But part of Pope is angry because he doesn’t expect restricting to be a harder task around him. 

For the first few days of JJ staying with them, he doesn’t notice Pope’s weird behavior around food. Pope uses his go-to excuses that have been working on his parents, to excuse himself from eating.

_”Oh no thanks I’m not hungry.”_

_”Actually I’ve lost my appetite for that. I think my tastebuds have changed.”_

_“I’ll cover it up and eat it later okay?”_

_“Oh yeah I was gonna eat after doing this thing.”_

_“My appetite is still pretty low from everything that has happened you know?”_

JJ had just shrugged him off, oblivious to his lies.

But Pope should’ve known he would catch on sooner or later. He may not have the highest intellect but he isn’t stupid. He’s surprised that even his parents haven’t really caught on to what he’s doing. 

Pope declines lunch with his friends for like the fourth time, which even he realizes probably looks suspicious on his end, but he can’t bare to eat in front of his friends. It was bad that he had to force dinner down when he ate with JJ and his family, let alone in a public setting where God knows how many people would see him eating. They would see his lack of control, his failure of the one thing giving him purpose. 

JJ starts to scrutinize at him as if he’s trying to figure him out, staring into his eyes longer than usual as if he’s scoping for something, something that will reveal all of Pope’s internal thoughts and struggles.

Pope hates that he’s angry at him for it. He doesn’t want to be angry at his friend for such a trivial thing, but he can’t help it. He knows JJ cares but how is he supposed to explain whatever this feeling is inside of him? A part of him just wants JJ to leave him alone and let him continue his behaviors.

One thing Pope notices is that JJ really likes food. He’s always known JJ loved food because _well duh_ most teenage boys love food, and JJ never skips out on an opportunity when food is involved, especially if it’s free. Pope notes how JJ is usually seen snacking on something, how he finishes a plate clean, or how he doesn’t hesitate to try a sip of something his mother is cooking when she calls him to sample the taste. 

He envies him. He envies his easy relationship with food and how he eats without a second thought as to what he’s putting in his body. He envies how he doesn’t feel the need to be empty as often as possible, he envies how he can look and feel good while eating all that random food without a care in the world.

Pope used to be like that. He misses being like that. _Why couldn’t he be like that again?_

He doesn’t understand why he’s suddenly like this. Always anxious when food is brought up or even worse when he’s around it. The only foods that don’t completely give him the desire to die are fruits, vegetables, or small amounts of rice and fish. Less dense foods that fill him up quickly without actually pervading his stomach. However, he is still wary of the fish, the amount of oil his mother uses to cook it makes his stomach twist with anxiety. Oil adds too many calories, too much heaviness to his stomach that only induces more anxiety.

He’s too obsessed with the vacancy in his stomach. His mind craves the hollow sensation, not eating gives him his own little purpose. While he’s neglecting his hunger needs, he’s simultaneously tending to his desire for that empty feeling.

For once in his life, he’s in control. Not John B- the unsanctioned designated leader of the Pogues and their wild treasure hunt-, not whoever manages and hands out those damn scholarships, not his parents, not the asshole Kooks, not the law-but him. Pope is in the drivers seat this time.

To anyone else it’s just food but to him it’s more than that. It symbolizes all the things that have done him wrong, all the things that have caused him hurt and pain, and by refusing it as much as he can he’s resisting all those negative things, in his own little way.

He honestly can’t believe he hasn’t tried it before. It feels more comforting than typical coping mechanisms, like smoking or drinking alcohol.

But then the effects of Pope’s eating-or lack of eating-gradually become more prominent. His mother makes a concerned comment asking if he’s lost some weight and he plays dumb, acting like he hasn’t noticed, pretending like he hasn’t been doing this deliberately, because he doesn’t want to worry her. His father notes how he struggled with carrying a bag of fish at the shop during one of his shifts, and he blames it on tiredness, despite his habit of going to sleep at decent times and naturally waking up early every day.

Other than that, they don’t really comment on his eating. Or _lack of_ eating. He insists he’s fine, and they have more important things to worry about. Besides, the last thing he wants to do is worry them by telling them the truth.

And it’s not like they would understand anyway. Mental health isn’t a strong suit of discussion in their family. He remembers once during one of those awkward one-on-one sessions with his guidance counselor, he discussed the possibility of Pope having some type of depression. He made the very wise decision to tell his parents, who just scolded him for ‘thinking so negatively’ and told him it was nonsense because he was too smart to be depressed, whatever that meant. 

He should probably tell someone. He trusts his friends, he trusts _JJ,_ but this thing he has feels so personal and strange, would they even understand? He would probably sound crazy.

Besides, he could handle this....he’s the one in control.

_At least, that’s what he keeps telling himself._

****

A couple weeks after the storm incident, the Pogues get an unexpected call.

_John B and Sarah were alive._

The pure relief that washes over the three friends when they hear the voices of their initially presumed dead friends is ineffable. Apparently John B had waited long to contact them because they didn’t want to take any risks and reveal themselves, since they still technically ‘died’ with targets marked on their backs. They were still in the process of getting the gold. Despite the hell that had been the past couple weeks, the Pogues weren’t really mad; they were just happy their friends were alive.

Pope’s wishes that would’ve solved everything. That he wouldn’t feel the need to keep punishing and depriving himself of food. He wishes he could finally eat normally, without dwelling on how much or what he ate. After all, his behaviors were triggered by the incident, so knowing John B and Sarah were alive should return him to ‘normal’.

_If only it were that easy._

He’s started feeling actual hunger more than in the beginning when his appetite was completely dead, but he still ignores it. The gnawing sensation in his stomach has become too comforting, too _familiar,_ and he can’t bring himself to let it go.

So he continues with his behaviors. He skips meals, drowns himself in sweaters/sweatshirts to block out the sudden coldness on his skin, even tells his parents he’s trying out a vegan diet to “save the animals and the environment” or something that vaguely goes along the lines of Kiara’s frequent eco-activism rants. They’re surprised and confused at his sudden desire to go vegan, because meat is a staple in their household, not to mention he’s never really had the desire to go vegan, but they don’t detect the darker intentions behind his inclination so they allow him to.

He should stop, he _wants_ to stop, he’s essentially lying to his friends and family about something that’s harming him but he just _can’t._

_It’s taking over._

***

Pope has started distancing himself more and more. He isn’t as playful and affectionate with JJ and Kie as usual, he’s quieter and reserved, and almost all of his expressions and actions seem forced. 

It’s driving JJ crazy.

So he decides to do his own research.

Kiara’s explanation wasn’t bad or anything, but he still feels like he needs more information. The territory of eating disorders was still unfamiliar to him and he doesn’t want to automatically assume that is Pope’s case.

The librarian looks up in surprise when she sees him enter, her eyebrows quickly narrowing when she sees who it is. JJ is a bit surprised she still remembers him, since it’s been months since he’s stepped foot in a library, though he probably shouldn’t be because his last appearance was pretty memorable. He not only got kicked out that day but also banned, thats right banned from the fucking library, after she had had enough of him being a ‘constant ruckus and distraction’.

And also maybe the fact that he tried making a book tower with over 20 books....not his wisest decision.

Although in his defense, it probably would have been epic if it hadn’t fallen over.

“Heyyyy Mrs.....” He greets, trailing off as he looks for a name tag anywhere on her chest to spark his memory of her name. There isn’t any so he just awkwardly drags out the s in ‘Mrs.’

“Ah Mr. Maybank, what brings you back here? Especially after I specifically-“

“Yeah yeah I know I was _banned_ or whatever, I won’t be here long just gotta do some research. Cuz learning is important...yaknow.” He cuts in, leaning against the counter and putting on a stupidly cheesy smile. The librarian glares at him for a couple seconds but surprisingly doesn’t kick him out again. She simply lets out a defeated sigh. “Alright what do you need?”

“So I’m uh doing research, about um eating disorders.”

She raises her eyebrows but thankfully doesn’t prod. “Any particular one or just in general?”

“In general.”

“Follow me.” JJ follows her to the section. She scopes through one of the shelves, taking barely a minute before shoving a couple books in his face. He’s barely opening out his hands to take the books when she drops them into his hand, causing him to almost drop them from shock of the impact.

She shoots him a caustic smile before turning to leave. 

JJ scoffs. Guess she wasn’t over the book stack incident. “Thanks...” he mumbles, adjusting the books so they fit more comfortably in his arms.

He makes his way over to the seating area, plopping onto one of the soft cushion chairs, the stack of books next to the chair. He takes the first one from the stack and looks over the title. 

_Guide to Eating Disorders_

JJ skims through the book, searching for anything relating to Pope’s...situation.

_“Eating disorders are illnesses in which the people experience severe disturbances in their eating behaviors and related thoughts and emotions.”_

Obviously Pope did have weird eating behaviors, he wasn’t sure about his thoughts though. He wishes he was; _he just wants Pope to talk to him._

He finds many statistics, apparently eating disorders were common and that anyone could develop one. He reads through the symptoms of the different eating disorders.

_“Dresses in layers to hide weight loss or stay warm, due to the decrease in body temperature from weight loss.”_

That would explain the sweatshirts and increase in long-sleeved clothing.

_“Refusal to eat certain foods, Noticeable fluctuations in weight, both up and/or down,”_

Pope has been gradually but evidently losing weight....

_”Weakness, muscle weakness,”_

JJ thinks about how Pope has had trouble picking up bags of fish at the shop. He claims it’s tiredness but JJ knows better.

_“Withdrawal from friends and usual activities, appears uncomfortable eating around others, food rituals (e.g. eats only a particular food or food group [e.g. condiments], skipping meals or taking small portions of food at regular meals, frequent dieting, extreme concern with body size and shape, extreme mood swings.....”_

JJ sucks in a breath. There are a myriad of symptoms and signs listed so there are some that he hasn’t really seen in Pope, but a lot of them closely resemble his recent behaviors.

_“Eating disorders cause a wide variety of complications, most of them life-threatening. The more severe or long lasting the eating disorder, the more likely you are to experience serious complications, such as: grave health problems, abuse of substances, suicidal thoughts or behavior, problems with growth and development, depression and anxiety, social and relationship problems, school, death-“_

JJ abruptly shuts the book. The loud sound emits through the quiet library, which causes the few other people nearby to give him questioning and annoyed looks. 

He shoots them an apologetic smile before thinking about what he just read. Pope‘s case wasn’t severe. It wouldn’t get to that point. _Not if JJ could help it._

***

Confronting Pope is harder than he thought.

It’s ironic, since they literally live together- _heck they’re roommates now_ -but Pope always shuts him down when JJ attempts to talk to him, using any excuse he can to get out of potential conversation. Pope must know he‘s aware that something is up.

JJ can’t help but feel a little hurt. He just wants to help him, he doesn’t know why Pope would allow himself to keep going on like this.

He doesn’t want to push Pope though, so he just kinda waits for the right moment. He’s extra careful and nice around Pope, hoping it will make him comfortable enough to tell him what’s up.

It isn’t until two days later, when something happens that prompts JJ to speak up.

JJ, Pope, and Kiara had gone down to their normal secluded spot at the beach again as usual. Pope had been going with them less lately, but he decided to tag along this time. The blonde was even surprised when Pope grabbed his own surfboard before they left his house.

Kiara and JJ were taking a break, after they had already surfing for a while. Pope, who was sitting and been content watching his friends suddenly stands up and takes off his sweatshirt.

Pope is wearing a plain navy blue rash guard with shorts, and even though it’s been a while since he’s seen the distinct outline of Pope’s chest in anything that wasn’t hidden under a sweatshirt, he can still see how his body has changed. He’s distinctly slimmer, and the loss of definition in his chest is evident even through the taut nylon fabric. It scares JJ how much Pope’s body weight has plummeted in a considerably short amount of time.

“I’m gonna go out there,” Pope states.

Kiara looks just as surprised as JJ did. After all, she wasn’t blind and knew Pope hadn’t been surfing for a reason. “Really?”

Pope nods. “Yeah. I haven’t been in the mood to surf lately but I’m feeling good to go out today.” He sounds so sure and his face betrays nothing, so JJ doesn’t know how to feel about Pope’s sudden desire to go out into the ocean.

Kiara and JJ exchange concerned looks with each other but Pope doesn’t seem to notice, grabbing his board. He glances at his friends. “Ya’ll coming with?”

Kiara shakes her head. “I’m gonna take a rest here for a bit, before going back out.”

“I’ll...I’ll be right there. You go on ahead.” JJ replies hesitantly, lifting the can of beer in his hands at Pope, and shaking it a little. “Lemme just finish this first.”

Pope shrugs. “Suit yourself.” He makes his way down to the sea. JJ thinks he sees Pope stagger a bit, almost like a slightly tipsy person at a party, but Pope isn’t having trouble walking, so he tries not to dwell on that.

Kiara hits JJ’s arm once Pope is beyond their proximity. “Why aren’t you going after him?”

“I...should I? He seems fine today.” JJ says, although a part of him does wonder if Pope is purposefully acting like a normally functioning human being today to get JJ off his back. 

“Is he really though? Did you talk to him yet?”

JJ scratches his neck, giving her a sheepish look. “Not yet...”

She hits his arm again, a deeper frown on her face. “What the hell JJ?! When are you going to talk to him? Pope is our friend and something is obviously up with him!”

“I know! He’s just made it really hard to talk to him lately. It’s like he doesn’t want us to know.” JJ says sadly.

Kiara opens her mouth to say something when she pauses, eyes focused on the ocean in front of them.

“Why is he just standing there?” she asks, which prompts JJ to look back at the ocean as well.

Pope is a little farther out into the water, surfboard tucked under his arm. He doesn’t move from his spot, just staring out into the water. He rubs his forehead, as if he has a headache. He shakes his head, and continues walking further into the ocean.

JJ watches him closely, straightening his posture to see better.

Unbeknownst to JJ, Pope‘s mind is a mess. His body seems to move on its own as he goes further into the water. His body feels abnormally heavy, and an aching pain shoots through his forehead as if someone is cracking fireworks through it.

He’s had the dull ache in his head ever since he woke up that morning, and it’s only gotten progressively worse as the hours pass by. He shakes his head, attempting to rid of the feeling. It was probably just a normal headache, he’s had headaches before, he could handle this.

He didn’t actually feel like surfing, but he wanted to prove to JJ that he was fine. He knows JJ has been trying to talk to him about his inconsistent eating patterns, and he can only avoid the conversation topic for so long.

This probably wasn’t even a problem. He just didn’t want to eat, why should anyone else care? He wasn’t harming anyone.

_Except myself._

Pope lays atop his board and paddles into the ocean. He ignores the pounding in his head and the faint buzz of dizziness taking over his body.

_I can do this, I’m in control, I’m perfectly fine._

He sees the upcoming wave. It’s a noticeably big wave, but he’s surfed big waves before, _he could do this._

_I’ve got this._

The wave looms closer and _wow have the waves always been so big? Why is everything shaking?_

The pounding in his head seems to get worse the closer the wave gets. Pope lifts himself up, attempting to stand on the board. And he does, for a second. 

Then his legs give out and he topples over, _fully embracing the dizziness._

Kiara gasps and JJ’s face pales as Pope’s body disappears under the wave. He carelessly throws the can of beer, not caring if it’s contents spill over the sand. He doesn’t think at all, it seems as if a switch turns his body on autopilot as he runs back to the ocean. His nerves only escalate when Pope’s doesn’t come back up.

JJ swims toward where he saw Pope. He sees a figure’s head bobbling along the water.

“Pope!” he shouts, swimming toward him. His arms already start to ache from the strain he puts to swim as fast as he can.

He wraps his arm around Pope’s nearly limp figure, using most of his weight to hold him up. He almost forgets Pope’s board, in fact if it hadn’t floated near by JJ probably would’ve forgot all about it. He honestly could care less about it and would leave it so he could use both arms to support his friend if it were really up to him but he knows Pope would have his head for leaving his board. So he tucks Pope’s board under his free arm.

Pope coughs violently, almost choking on the salty sea water. 

Kiara instantly stands up when they arrive at their spot, picking up a towel and wrapping it around Pope. “Are you okay?”

Pope takes the towel and sits down on the log. He coughs a little. “Yeah I am...thank you.” Kiara hands him a water bottle, which he gratefully takes and chugs half of. He pants, lungs still tight as if he’s run a mile.

JJ only stares at his friend, still shaken up from what just happened. Pope had literally fainted in the water. _What if Kiara and JJ had been distracted and hadn’t seen Pope? What if Pope had went further into the water and JJ was too late?_

He doesn’t say anything to Pope. The other boy is still calming down from recent events. They all kinda just sit in silence for a bit.

JJ can’t take it anymore. “Pope we need to talk.”

“JJ I don’t think that’s a good idea-“

“Goddamn it Pope!” JJ grabs Pope’s arm pulling him up from his seat on one of the beach logs. Kiara gives them questioning looks but she doesn’t follow them, she knows they need to have this conversation alone.

Pope finally shakes JJ’s grip off of him, looking at him incredulously. “JJ what the hell?!”

 _“What the hell?!_ I should be asking you that! You could’ve died out there!“

“JJ please just-“

“No Pope!” JJ shouts stepping closer, placing his hands on Pope’s shoulders firmly. “I’ve had enough, this has been going on too long. I’m tired of walking on eggshells around you! I’m sick of you pretending everything is fine, when you’re obviously not fine. I’m sick of pretending that I don’t know you’re not fine! You think I wouldn’t notice? We live together, Pope. We share the same room! You’re hurting yourself and...it’s-it’s hurting me.”

Pope just watches him with wide eyes as he spills out all the frustration he’s kept pent up for the past few weeks. 

JJ exhales, releasing some of his pent up frustration. He looks straight into Pope’s eyes and says softly, “Pope just...again...for once in your life trust someone else,” then he says in a possibly even softer tone, _”Trust me.”_

Pope’s resolve breaks down a little at the familiar phrase, the one JJ had told him before taking the fall for him. The event that really opened his eyes and made him see how much JJ cared for him as a friend, because he was so willing to be penalized for something he didn’t do just so Pope’s future wouldn’t be in jeopardy.

The event that had slapped the cold-hard fact that he had buried feelings for his best friend right in his face. The event that made him realize he cared for his friend just as much as JJ cared for him, just in a less-platonic way.

Pope becomes overwhelmed with a horde of emotions, the corner of his eyes filling with tears as he struggles to keep himself together. He blinks, averting his eyes away from JJ’s. He can still feel JJ looking at him, and he risks looking back at him. When he meets JJ’s gaze, his beautiful blue eyes looking at him so earnestly, his resolve crumbles completely.

He finds himself being pulled to JJ’s chest as his arms wrap around him. Pope allows his tears to escape freely, clinging on to JJ. Despite the blonde’s lack of a shirt and the droplets of water still stuck to his chest from earlier, he still finds comfort in JJ’s arms. They stay like that for a moment, Pope spilling out his tears and silently crying in JJ’s arms. JJ doesn’t complain (Of course he wouldn’t. JJ is too nice).

The time he spends in JJ’s arms feels like forever, and Pope wishes he wasn’t in midst of a breakdown so he could enjoy it more. He reluctantly pulls away. 

“I’m-I’m sorry I haven’t been honest with you or Kie. I didn’t mean to worry you guys, I thought I could handle this. Whatever _this_ is. I’m not really sure.” Pope says finally.

“It’s not like I didn’t want to tell you guys it’s just....I just didn’t think it was that bad. Yeah my eating has been...inconsistent...but I just couldn’t stop. Plus I didn’t want to worry anyone.”

JJ shakes his head. “Of course we’re gonna worry. If anything, not telling us only made us worry more. I-we care about you Pope,” _fuck it,_ “I care about you. A lot.”

Pope doesn’t know why his eyes widen in surprise because _obviously_ JJ cares about him, they’re best friends. Maybe it’s his sincere tone, or the way he’s looking at him as if he’s the only person ever.

Guilt bubbles in his stomach. He feels bad for not telling JJ about what he’s been going through. He thought JJ wouldn’t care that much but clearly he was wrong.

“Thank you for saving me out there earlier...you know.” 

JJ gives him a small smile. “You don’t have to thank me. I’ll always be there to save you, you know that.”

Pope doesn’t know what to say, so he just throws his arms around JJ again. The blonde is quick to reciprocate the hug.

“You wanna talk about it now?” JJ asks softly after a beat.

Pope looks into JJ’s eyes. They maintain eye contact for a couple seconds, just staring at each other as Pope finds an answer. 

He doesn’t really want to talk about it, this _feeling_ he doesn’t understand, but he doesn’t want to keep lying to his friends.

”Yeah...we should go back to Kie, I want to tell her too. Also you need to put on a shirt.” Pope says.

JJ grins, flexing. “What, you dont like what you see?” he teases.

JJ doesn’t expect Pope’s expression to become abashed and flustered. He doesn’t know what that means.

Pope huffs and hits his shoulder playfully. “You wish.“

JJ chuckles. On a small whim of courage he holds out his hand for Pope to take. Pope’s eyes widen slightly at the outstretched hand and JJ is about to pull it away, thinking it made him uncomfortable, when Pope wraps his hand around his with a small smile.

Kiara looks up when she sees her friends coming back. She doesn’t comment on their intertwined hands. “Everything good?

Pope nods and goes to sit down. JJ sits beside him. 

Pope spills out everything he’s been going through. The lack of desire to eat, the constant urge to be empty as much as possible, the discomfort every time he eats despite knowing needs to. He tells them that even though he‘s aware that his lack of eating correlates with his low body temperature, weak strength, constant headaches and the occasional dizziness (exhibit A being the incident in the water), he can’t seem to stop. He tells them about the ‘control’ he feels when he’s resisting food. He tells them how he wanted to tell them but his mind always talked him out of it. 

JJ and Kiara are sad that their friend has been silently suffering so much, but they’re happy he’s finally opened up. Kiara gives him a big hug, saying how proud she is that he told them.

Pope feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of his shoulder after telling his friends. He wishes he would’ve had the willpower to tell them sooner. Of course his friends would understand, _why did he ever think otherwise?_

They stay on the beach for a while. Pope talks more than he has in the past couple weeks, which JJ takes as a good sign. 

It’s getting late, so Kiara eventually has to leave first, having to go home early. She’s reluctant to leave her friends but they assure her they’re fine. She gives them one last hug and whispers to Pope how proud she is that he opened up to them today before leaving.

After Kie leaves, JJ and Pope keep engaging in conversation. It’s mostly JJ saying dumb random shit while Pope listens and makes the odd comment or laugh. The warm sun becomes swallowed by the looming horizon, as darkness tints the formerly lit sky. The temperature drops slightly, so it actually makes sense for Pope to have on his sweatshirt. Pope doesn’t know if it’s the leftover adrenaline from earlier or him being impulsive, but he leans over until his head is resting on JJ’s shoulder.

JJ’s breath hitches a little at the extra weight on his shoulder. JJ’s body tenses, but he tries to relax it again so he doesn’t make Pope think he’s uncomfortable. Because he’s far from uncomfortable.

This time, Pope is the one to take his hand in his. He threads his fingers through JJ’s hands, head still perched on the blonde’s shoulder as they both face the sea. 

JJ gapes slightly and he’s glad Pope isn’t facing him to see his awestruck expression and he’s grateful for the darkness that is slowly covering the atmosphere so it hides the blush he feels growing on his face.

“You wanna head back?” JJ asks, despite wanting to sit alone with Pope for longer. 

Pope shakes his head into his shoulder. “No...I-I wanna stay like this for a little longer. Do you wanna go back?”

“Nah, I wanna stay here for a little longer too.”

They’re silent as they just stare out at the expanse of the ocean. Pope has spilled pretty much everything to his friends so there isn’t really anything else to say. But it’s a comfortable silence, the calm atmosphere from their conversation with Kie making the lack of words surprisingly comforting.

He knows that his lack of eating problem won’t instantly go away. He’ll have to eat more, he’ll have to deal with the discomfort of a full stomach. If he wants to get better he’ll have to stop compensating and restricting. Frankly, he’s scared of where to go from there.

But the most important thing is that he’s not keeping it bottled up to himself anymore. Kiara said she would try to get him help, and he knows he’ll have to tell his parents soon as well. Even if they don’t understand, Pope is glad he has his friends who make up for that anyway. He’s glad he has _JJ,_ who understands him more than anyone.

He’s finally willing to let go of this false sense of control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that’s a wrappppp
> 
> after my first chapter i knew i wanted to write more but i wasn’t sure so i was like should i really continue this product of my pmsing but chapter 1 got some kudos surprisingly and it didn’t feel right leaving it unfinished so i decided to write this second chapter!
> 
> also sorry if my formatting is weird, ao3 been getting on my nerves lately and idk why smh
> 
> again, i hope this wasn't too triggering or glorified eating disorders, that was not my intent at all. my eating disorder was kinda different to pope's in the way that it was more so of a diet gone wrong and focused more on body image, but i felt like in Pope's case it would make more sense for his issue to be maintaining a form of control in his life especially after all the hectic events he's experienced.
> 
> if you have an eating disorder please seek help if you are able to! recovery is hard but it's worth it! 💕

**Author's Note:**

> i don’t know if anyone will read this since eating disorders are a sensitive topic for many but i felt compelled to write it for some reason. i struggled a lot with an eating disorder two years ago but for the past few months ive been doing well, in fact i could even consider myself recovered, but i had an emotional day yesterday and wrote almost 10k words of this kinda projecting for some reason 😅 im kinda scared to post but i wrote all this so might as well post it!
> 
> anyway, no matter what ed you have you are valid! no matter what weight you are you are valid! eating disorders come in many different shapes and sizes and most people don’t fit the typical skinny white anorexic stereotype, which doesn’t make you any less valid.
> 
> this is going to have two chapters cuz i got a lil carried away and wrote too many words on this one chapter hehe


End file.
